Messy Grief

Grief is something that, until the loss of my son, I had no frame of reference. Growing up I had had little experience with death besides an uncle die but I was too young and too naive to understand what was going on. All I knew of death was fictionalized. Books, TV, and especially social media do a horrible job of honoring death and loss. They portray it as something done quietly and quickly as not to offend or make anyone else uncomfortable. Death IS uncomfortable, as it should be, and I believe should not be swept under the rug. It is something to face, something that we must allow to change and shape us into something new.   

I didn't realize just how grief transforms you and changes every part of your being into something else. Much of who you were has to change in order to keep on living. When I lost my son in April 2018 it was like a car crash, sudden and violent. He was there and then he wasn't, I was pregnant one day and have an aching hole in my heart the next. I had to change in order to keep on living. I had to quit my job as a preschool teacher, taking a huge financial risk for my family, because they wanted me to return one week (!) after my son was born. I am an independent woman who has worked for forever but until my loss I didn't realize how much my career truly defined me.

But the biggest thing I didn't realize about grief was how messy it really is. Some days you want to ugly cry all day and other days you seem to have a better handle on life. Then something like putting unused baby clothes away or walking through the kids section of  Target reminds you of what you lost and the tears come again. It's messy...but beautiful.

If I can give you a small piece of advice from my few months of walking through grief is to embrace the messy. Give yourself room and permission to grieve. Write, scream, ugly cry, run, talk to someone you trust, drink wine (not too much!😉) or just breathe. Do what you love and what feeds your soul. Don't know what feeds you soul? - Find out! For me it was holding onto my faith, writing and being creative.

Also know that you will have hard, messy days and that's okay and completely normal. If your hard days seems too overwhelming- talk to someone! There are awesome counselors out there that get it, many of whom who have walked through grief and pregnancy loss personally. There is no shame in asking for help. I did and it was incredibly refreshing and validating to know that what I was feeling was normal.

Grief is messy but take the time to find out how it changes you...