Helping someone through grief
These are a few things that helped in the first few weeks after our loss...
1. Food- Food is Love. My husband and I had a few family members who brought us or sent us food (and wine) and it was gloriously wonderful. I am the cook in our family and in the first few weeks after our loss I did not want to cook at all. Who would? It is important to eat as you are grieving, skipping meals may delay healing and will make you feel even more lousy. It was refreshing to have easy and nutritious meals. Consider gifting a grieving family a meal via Uber Eats or Freshly, or their favorite Thai place or locally dropping off easy food on their doorstep. Do not intend on staying or even wanting a conversation, just drop and go.
2. Time- We asked our family and friends for space for the first week after our son's birth and death. We needed time to make sense of all that happened. We also have a tiny apartment and didn't want to have family and friends all up in our space right afterwards. It was just too much. After many nights in the hospital being poked and prodded by nurses and doctors I wanted to be alone. Our apartment became our sanctuary of peace and is to this day.
3. Acknowledgement-This is a bit of contradiction from the previous point. Although your grieving friend/ family member probably will need space directly after their loss they also want to know that when THEY are ready that you are there for them. A simple text, private message, or card will suffice. Tip: Don't say you know what they're going through unless you actually do. You don't know how hard it is until you walk through grief, so don't say it. Also "I'm sorry for your loss" is a very overused and meaningless phrase that doesn't provide the griever much comfort. You might BE truly sorry for what they lost but say instead that you are thinking or praying for them, that their son/daughter/child meant something and then offer a listening ear when they are ready. Or just say nothing more that you are here for them.
4. Encouragement- Encourage your family member of friend to express their emotions somehow. Some people journal, other talk, and sometimes they keep it all in there heads. Anyway they react it knowing that you are available is needed. You are essentially are checking on their mental health, something you can do even if you are not a professional. Ask them how they are feeling and expect to get a real, raw answer. If you aren't ready to handle the real emotions of grief- don't ask! Tell them they will get through this-Don't tell them to get over or move on from their loss quickly. They will never get over it and moving on is a slow process. If you notice a family member/ friend saying that the don't want to live or wanting to hurt themselves, have them talk to a professional grief counselor immediately.
5. Be ready for emotions: There will be emotions. A lot of emotions. They will look different for different people, some people are just depressed, some truly sad, some are numb, others angry. Some like myself have all of these emotions swirling around at once. I ugly cried for days, screamed, felt like I wanted to hit something and then just felt sad. All these emotions are normal. Tell your friend or family member that. Tell them it's okay to grieve. Give them space in your life to share their emotions and loss. But also understand the ebb and flow of grief. Some days will be easier for those grieving than others. Holidays, birthdays and anniversary days are especially hard for those who have experienced loss. Sometimes the random Tuesday throws me into a wave of grief, it can hit those grieving off-guard and emotions resurface.
Hope these help you or someone you know going through grief and loss
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